Entertaining with gardening defeats

A happy squash until the zombies attacked

With forethought and preparation, gardening tales can rival even the most wildly imaginative fisherman’s campfire yarns or golfer’s 19th hole retellings. Here’s how to turn common gardening defeats and disasters to your entertaining advantage:

You’ve got your Never Saw It Coming Tall Tales:
An avalanche wipes out your burgeoning crop of store-bought seedlings. No, honest. They were goners within minutes. There was nothing I could d- – ok, I forgot to take them out of the back of the truck after I got them home. Driving around for a week with them in the back didn’t help much either.

You’ve got your Completely Unpredictable Eco-Disaster Movie Tall Tales:
A sudden heat wave melts an iceberg which floods out your carefully xeriscaped landscape, toppling garden sheds and uprooting greenhouses, felling well-established redwoods, and rolling your new Dodge RAM pickup into the ravine near the homeste-  Either that or I completely misinterpreted the faded sprinkler system labels, only to discover I’d watered that carefully xeriscaped landscape into a rice paddy by the time we got back from vacation.

You’ve got your Thank Goodness We Had Those Flaming Rakes Tall Tales:
By the light of the Full Moon, a horde of zombies arose from the southern foothills and overtook your property. You were able to stave off the attack by whipping them into submission with a flaming rake, but the crops caught fire an- Ok. No zombies. More likely I planted a big patch of water-hungry veggies in the far corner of the lot, then figured out there’s no nearby water source, and the longest hose we own won’t reach.

You’ve got your We Barely Escaped With Our Zucchini Tall Tales:
Giant rabid yeti-related jackrabbits broken down the carefully constructed antipersonnel barriers around the raised fortress and devoured every bit of greenery in sight, then turned on the less tasty hot tub cover and gnawed it into unrecycle-friendly shredde- All right. After meticulously protecting the patio greenery from bunny attacks by planting in hanging containers, we watch helplessly as the prevailing breeze turns into a week-long gale force, thereby beating the baby zucchini plants into an unrecognizable pulp against a nearby patio pillar.

Guess which one this picture shows. Sorry I couldn’t get any pictures of the yeti jackrabbit, but it was very scary out with all those zombies clomping through the rice paddy after the avalanche.