Enhanced seed packet instructions for Demanding Diva

Seed packets need better icons and instructions. In the interests of all gardeners, I offer my own humble contribution.

Demanding Diva seed

Demanding Diva

Planting Instructions for Demanding Diva

It takes more steps to plant this than to launch a space shuttle. Plan carefully before opening. Make sure all tools and supplies are within reach. Read all instructions completely before proceeding.

Zone 1:

Train 24-year-old orange-flecked talking parrot to sing Siegfried’s Finale (Wagner’s Der Ring des Nibelungen) – either part (you will sing second part). See attached video for instructions and orchestration. Water with Evian and lime juice twice a day for three weeks. Water with tap water and bacon drippings once a day for four weeks. Water with lukewarm 7up mixed with cranberry juice five times a day for the rest of the month, alternating with Perrier and pomegranate juice on Thursdays.

Talking to your plants is healthier than skydiving in the fog

talking to your plants

Why won’t they do what they’re told!

I talk to my plants. (And, no, before you ask, I am not taking this gardening thing too seriously! nuh-uh! who said that..? Broccoli McCauliflower?)

This started as a whimsical post, at least while it was in my head and then when I was doodling the sign in Photoshop – until suddenly it wasn’t really all that funny, as I replayed my morning check-on-the-garden rounds – and realized that I had carried on a running dialog between Chatterbox and myself, interspersed with comments and questions to the pot-dwellers themselves. Wups.

Chatterbox, tuxedo tabby and guard cat

Chatterbox, a cat who sounds like a parrot

I can easily excuse myself talking to Chatterbox. She talks back, with purrs, whistles, chirps, yelps, trills and the occasional ear-bending MREOOWW (cat for LET MET OUT). She’s part cat, part parrot, part escape artist and part service dog. She doesn’t know she’s a cat, and that’s ok.

12 Days of Gardening (a song)


– and a parsley to serve at high tea

(sung to the tune of Twelve Days of Christmas)

On the twelfth day of Gard’ning
My garden gave to me:

Twelve bags of peat moss,
Eleven mud galoshes,
Ten pounds of compost,
Nine trellis pieces,

Eight missing trowels,
Seven skeins of fence wire,
Six mismatched work gloves,

Fiiive missing worms!

Four garden gnomes
Three broke toes,
Two wat’ring cans,

And a parsley to serve with high tea.