Farewell, recalcitrant cauliflower who refuses to flower

seed packets should say which seeds are picky

Picky plant needs exacting care

Wave bye-bye to the nice cauliflower seedlings, all nine of ’em. That’s right, the ones that’re supposed to be eight days from harvest but haven’t yet produced a hint of a flower.

They’re headed to the Great Rabbit Heavenly Field in the Sky, out next to the yellow squash near the puddle under the evergreen, where I’m preparing a bunny smorgasbord, one wilting course at a time.

It turns out that what was not said on the seed packet is that cauliflower is an extremely picky plant. None of this “Stick the seed in the ground and out pops something to eat” stuff. Oh no. Nuh.uh. You’re going to work for that cauliflower ‘n cheese bake, son.

Turns out also that growing cauliflower is not a spur of the moment decision. One guideline I found said that we should begin preparing our cauliflower bed soil “a year before planting” since cauliflower needs very well cultivated grounds. Drat, and I’d already stowed my time machine for the season.

Now if some nice greenhouse manufacturer wants to come set up a 15’x20 prototype in my yard to test for, oh say, 18 to 24 months (free, please), then I will certainly give cauliflower another shot. Please direct inquiries and offers to my admin [@] lassgroup.com email address. Thanks.

Enhanced seed packet instructions for Demanding Diva

Seed packets need better icons and instructions. In the interests of all gardeners, I offer my own humble contribution.

Demanding Diva seed

Demanding Diva

Planting Instructions for Demanding Diva

It takes more steps to plant this than to launch a space shuttle. Plan carefully before opening. Make sure all tools and supplies are within reach. Read all instructions completely before proceeding.

Zone 1:

Train 24-year-old orange-flecked talking parrot to sing Siegfried’s Finale (Wagner’s Der Ring des Nibelungen) – either part (you will sing second part). See attached video for instructions and orchestration. Water with Evian and lime juice twice a day for three weeks. Water with tap water and bacon drippings once a day for four weeks. Water with lukewarm 7up mixed with cranberry juice five times a day for the rest of the month, alternating with Perrier and pomegranate juice on Thursdays.